Hope, love and hate
by wing of butterfly
Summary: just thinking in the dark of night :


**Hope, love and hate**

I wanted perfect ending. I wanted great life, life with caring husband, children, many children, my children dancing around sakura trees in early breezes of spring. In my dreams I saw it again and again. It was nightmare as creepy as dance of crazy marionette I used to have. Long and long time ago when I was alive and full of hope.

I hoped you loved me. I believed you so much and your betrayal still hurts me. Long years have passed by. World changed. I didn´t.

I hear it. Someone is weeping, far far away, behind the veil of my world. World, that I hate. Truly hate. Hate is pure feeling and no one is more capable to feel it so hard than human, girl or boy, man or woman, who once loved and lost his heart thousand times. Now someone is weeping again. Calling for my help. I´m his last hope. It´s funny. And nasty ironic.

Dawn is breaking before my blind red eyes. Horrible colour. Why, O Punishing God answer me, have I to carry in my head those bloody animal-like eyes? Why?

He was the only one I adored, admired. Only one I loved. But I don´t have time to think. Not now. Someone needs me. Some crying soul needs my salvations. And I´ll give it to them. With deepest remorse I´ll be his or her murderer. It suits me after all. Killers with crimson eyes are really adorable.

I was possesed by you, do you know? You was my god, my and only mine. My god, oh, so beautiful, you were there for me when I needed it most. I have to admit it. You were there. Some few times.

I need to wash myself before I go. My body, body, that only you saw in its white ivory is clean now but my soul ... It´s filthy as a sewer full of corpses. In times of peace and innocence I was different. You should know it best, because it was you! You, who corrupted me! That dirt and filth is only yours!! How I regret everything! Even my birth.

It´s almost the time. I´m going. Doing my stinky job day after day. I am so tired. Tired to death. However, I cannot die. Never. Eternal life is my punishment and even now I´m envious of lost souls wandering through plains of Hell. I have my personal Hell here. Everywhere. Every day. And it´s your fault, my love.

I´m here, little soul. Little sad bothering soul. What do you want from me?

Ah, he hates you? You want to see him dead? He stole your heart and gave nothing back? Sad story, I heard it somewhere before. I´m fed up, really. It bores me. Don´t you have something interesting? People are pitiful. I´m pitiful. And you, boy, I loved with all my might and stupid heart? I´ll never pity you. Why should I? Tell me, please, because I´m not clever enough to understand. Why, did you betray me?! Why did you kill me with your bare hands?

Only you and heavens know. I rather stay in sweet dark, I don´t want to hear your voice anymore. I cursed it.

_Oh, Ai, please, help me and kill him. I .. I ... I loved him but he left. No, not left. He fucked with my sister right before my eyes. And he smiled!! He smiled, Ai. How could he? I loved him, I wanted to be with him forever. _

How pathetic you are, little soul. How stupid, how blind. Just like me. I´m warning you. I have to do so. Rules, you know. They are hard. Some rules cannot be broken, but some are made of glass.

_I .. I don´t care. Just take him. Kill him. I´ll do anything. I´ll go to Hell? F...Fine. That´s great after all. Heaven is too cold and windy, everyone wants to go to Hell. I´m looking forward to it._

Pitiful little soul, you really are cursed. Beware and be terrified by your own dreams. They´ll become reality later. Or sooner. So, are you decided? Yes? See you before the gates of Hell.

My love, do you see? You are only a drop of water in an endless sea of my tears. I cried so many tears from my bloody eyes ... There are no left. You are dead, I know and my hate have no reason. But this makes it stronger. Loved, lost, died ...

Those three words hold the key to my useless short life. I wanted husband, loving man just like you, I wanted a small group of children, four or five, dark-haired little people with sakura petals in their hands. They dancing around me like a ghosts. Misty shapes of my children ... This life was everything I dreamed of. This same old song repeating from the beginning of the world, but you didn´t give me a chance.

You are dead and I´m eternal. It is how it is. I can´t change direction of this wind and I even don´t want to. It´s late. Love died in church of fire, stars are frozen, one is yours but I don´t know which. I don´t know which star should I hate ... So I hate every single light in the sky.


End file.
